October 01, 2010

Dr. Par -- my daughter is very snobby.

Thank you for your very interesting question; no one likes a snob. Without knowing how old your daughter is or what you mean by snobby I will make a few assumptions and see if this helps.

People who are perceived as snobs usually give the impression that they feel they are smarter, richer, prettier, or in some way better than others. But the reality is these people usually have very poor image of themselves. They spend hours primping in front of the mirror, not because they think they are so pretty, but because they think they are not and they try everything to make themselves look pretty to others. They give the impression that they are better than others to hide the fact that they feel inferior.

When, and if, parents understand this they can offer some suggestions to help a "snobby" child. Your child would not respond well to your telling her that she needs to improve her self image. Nor does it help to tell her over and over again that she is a good athlete, smart, or pretty when inside she "knows" she is not - even if she is!

Your goal is to get her "outside" of herself; get her to think about other people's needs. Assist her in some work helping others, volunteering at a day care during summer, helping build Habitat for Humanity. Check what opportunities are available in your area. Remember that charity work always helps the worker as much if not more than it helps the recipient.

Have her set some achievable goals, something she wants to accomplish and be sure she picks a date for its completion. Let her work on the project by herself, doing it for her makes her feel useless, unnecessary, inferior. The same can be said for home work. Her home work is her chance to improve her self image. But only if she does it herself. That's one reason why sports or playing a musical instrument is so good for kids; adults can advise, but they can't do it for the child. Thus they feel accomplished and good about themselves when they achieve their goal.

I hope this helps. If not tell me more about your daughter and her family and we'll try again.

Moira in Ohio

June 29, 2010

Dr. Par -- Is my 12-year-old daughter old enough to babysit the 3-year-old who just moved in next door? I mean, sometimes, my daughter can't even take care of herself -- would this be a good way of helping her learn more responsibilities? Or would she be in over her head?

I would hesitate to put most 12-year-olds in charge of a three year old. However, maturity is more important than age. As you know there are 12-year-olds going on 20 and 12-year-olds going on 6. Has your daughter had a baby sitting class? How about CPR? Most YMCAs offer these for minimal costs, as do many hospitals and schools. She should take both of these. Will she be baby sitting or being a "mother's helper? Will you or some other adult be close by in case she has a problem she can't deal with? What is the temperament of the 3-year-old? Do the parents know your daughter, and do they think she is competent? Will the child be in bed and sleeping most of the time or will your daughter be taking care of her all day? If she is sitting during meal time will she have to fix meals and feed the youngster? These are only a few of the questions you and your neighbor will need to answer before putting your daughter in charge. Finally, this experience may well be a great teaching tool for your daughter, but it could be at the expense of your neighbor child's health or welfare. Let me know what you decide and how you made your decision. Best of luck to you all.

Moira in Ohio

June 24, 2010

My daughter has a 3 1/2 year old son who is what one would call "strong willed" We used to call them "spoiled", but he is lovable, smart, inquisitive, and stubborn. A friend of hers suggested a book by Dr. James Dobson entitled "The Strong Willed Child". She happened to mention it on FaceBook and I was taken aback by the negative replies she received regarding Dr. Dobson.

As a pediatrician/author with your experience - what do you think of Dr. Dobson's books?

Mona, Dr. Dobson is a child psychologist and gifted writer. His books are well worth reading; I especially like "The Strong Willed Child." However, some parents do not appreciate his "Christian" approach to parenting and think he is too strict. I think very highly of him. This fall after you have read "Messengers in Denim" you will know why I like Dr. Dobson. Good luck with your grand child. Strong will kids are a bit harder to raise, but in the end they give you the most satisfaction, and the most love.

Mona in Texas

June 18, 2010

Why is my teen agers so angry? It's starting to drive me nuts!

Tom. Yours is a very timely question; my blog today and the one which will follow next Monday cover this very topic. The teen years can be a great time for kids and their parents, but anger sometimes gets in the way. Read these blogs, hopefully they will be helpful. If not get back to me and we will talk more about this issue.

Tom